What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 07:00
Im still living with it.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
They are buried together, in the same grave..
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I could never make a relationship work though!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I waited trembling.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Why are men so attracted to big breasts?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I said to her
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
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Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I was 9 years of age.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
When she asked me how she looked .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
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One cannot live in the past .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Who then, do I blame.?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Was to survive, this bastard.
So whats the point in blame.
She married twice! .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
This is soul school!.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But, we were locked up after school.
Ive learnt so much.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She found it foreign!.
I was very sick at this time too.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Why did i forgive my father ?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
We all went to grammer schools
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I think the readers, may guess!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Put me off passion for life!!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He resisted the act ,that day.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She was in good health!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
So, i spoilt her more .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And i lived it daily.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Would this be the day?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
What did i know ?
She loved him until the end.
It was going to be , some day.
I have no regrets .
I couldn’t, believe it.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I was seconnd youngest,
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But it wasn’t much.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
All the time i was locked up.
I don,t even have a pension.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My life is so biszare .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He knew the spot.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We were not on the streets..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was scared of men, in general
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I will be 64.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I write beautiful poetry .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My family never makes their pension either.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
(And it was in our own minds.)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She wouldn,t have been !
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Comes on , in middle age.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.